These are just too good:
LRB subscribers – get six free issues and your money back if you’re not entirely satisfied with Market Rasen monkey (M, 78) – ‘The most serious and radical love monkey around’. Direct debit forms, and dried fruit, to Box no. xx/xx.
My previous contributions to this column were self-serving and contained many glaring omissions. This one gives it to you straight: I’m fat, thick, 48, still have uncooked semolina between my toes after an Aga-related accident in 1995, and look like the dwarf in Fantasy Island who yells: “Da plane! Da plane!” And I live in Ipswich. Any takers? Box no. xx/xx.
Many good ones ommitted. Best reader-contributed column in the history of man.